New School Bathrooms Projected to Last a Record 42 Minutes Before Being Vandalised, Says Principal

In an email sent out to the entire school community, the Principal outlined a determined plan to transform the toiletry circumstances of the College. Featuring renovations to both the Middle and Senior Years toilets, the works will take place in a staggered plan from Term 4 through to Term 1, 2027.

An even more ambitious study conducted by the College Board estimated that the toilets would go without vandalism for roughly 42 minutes, or 2,520 seconds. Expert analysts are sounding the alarm, saying that such a figure exceeds even the most optimistic forecasts. They also warn that publicly acknowledging such targets could increase determination among students to undermine them.

Other targets include roughly 90 minutes before the first alleged drug deal, three hours before the first, quote, “mass shittening”, and an entire day before a student safety incident occurs.

The College stands by these targets, arguing that its “state-of-the-art crappers” will improve behaviour among the student population.