Sibling School Plans to Reduce Class Size by Continuing to Deliver Substandard Education.

The head of education at our sister college recently sat down with Mentone Manspreaders for an interview in which he revealed that the school’s substandard educational experience and record-high number of students leaving high school were not, he claimed, the result of incompetence. Instead, he described them as part of a deliberate plan to reduce class sizes.

“It has been proven time and time again that lower class sizes lead to better educational satisfaction. It just so happens that the cheapest method to achieving this is lowering educational satisfaction in the short term.”

— Head of education at the sister college, speaking to Mentone Manspreaders

When pressed on the project’s long-term vision, the head of education said the eventual goal was to create a “student-free school environment.” The proposal, he suggested, would eliminate the problem of students leaving by removing the students altogether.

A bold plan for a student-free school

“We realised the only way to stop students leaving the school is by having no students in the first place,” he explained. The strategy would also significantly reduce teachers’ workloads, he said, allowing them to do almost nothing.

When our interviewer pointed out that some teachers do very little even when they have a full class of students, the head of education agreed. He added, however, that this approach can sometimes have the unfortunate side effect of “angry emails from parents.” A school without students, it seems, would also have fewer parents with immediate classroom-related concerns.

A model for schools across the area?

According to the head of education, the strategy has been quietly underway for several years. The school is going public with it only now, he said, in the hope of becoming a “trailblazer” for other schools in the area to follow.

The proposal has also attracted interest from our own College’s IT Department. Fewer students would mean fewer student laptops to purchase, potentially freeing up more money for robot dogs. Read our report, “Canteen Prices Rise as IT Department Buys New Robot Dog”, for more on the school’s apparent technology spending priorities.

Whether this strategy will improve educational satisfaction remains to be seen. The plan’s apparent success will ultimately depend on how one defines a school’s educational outcomes, and whether an empty classroom should count as a perfect class size.